Lizzo Is Collecting Hollywood Boyfriends Like Infinity Stones And We Should All Take Notes8/26/2021
To quote Lizzo's new bop - ALL THE RUMORS ARE TRUE. Well, not really, but I consider my gossip to be fact, so.
Anyone who's been paying attention to Lizzo knows that she has a magnetic personality, and it's clear that the men of Hollywood are not immune to her charms.
She is seemingly (and effortlessly) curating an entourage of Hollywood boyfriends as she glides her way to the top of the music industry by releasing hit-after-hit and just being naturally hilarious, like the time she confidently cursed on live television at the Grammys.
Now, while I don't know much about the Marvel Cinematic Universe (I only watch the films with hot actors for leads*), I have been peer-pressured into watching the Avengers in theaters in order to participate in public discourse that I don't even care about, so, yes, I know what the infinity stones are. And, while they may make up the superhero universe, the Hollywood men gravitating toward Lizzo make up an even more important universe: pop culture.
*Spider-Man and Captain America
So, without further ado, I present the timeline of Lizzo becoming the modern-day feminist adaptation of Hollywood's Most Eligible Bachelor(ette)* and collecting celebrity men like infinity stones, as she should:
*Sorry, Leo. You had your time. This history lesson (yes, I am taking this seriously, get on board) begins with an obvious choice: Harry Styles.
December 2019: Harry covers Lizzo's hit song "Juice" for BBC Radio 1's Live Lounge, setting the Internet ablaze by enthusiastically uttering the words, "Somebody come get this man, I think he got lost in my DMs."
January 2020: In a natural turn of events, Lizzo invites Harry onstage in Miami to perform the song together. They're dressed for different climates, but their voices are in perfect harmony. February 2020: To return the compliment, Lizzo covers Harry's hit song "Adore You" for BBC Radio 1's Live Lounge. Later that month: Lizzo and Harry pack on the PDA at the Brit Awards. Although it was all done in good fun, Lizzo is simply stronger than me for being able to chug her tequila and move on with her night after the fact. March 2021: One year later, Lizzo and Harry reunite at the Grammy Awards to rock pastel outfits, take this cute photo together, and cement their icon statuses. Now, as we all know, Lizzo is certified 100 percent that b*tch, so naturally Harry Styles is not the only man we'll be discussing today. Yes, I am treating this like I am a tenured professor at Columbia University, is there a problem? Obviously, while Harry is busy on tour or on yachts with Olivia Wilde, Lizzo would need someone to occupy her time, yes? This is where Chris Evans comes in. June 2019: One day while on social media, Lizzo was simply minding her business when Captain America himself responded to one of her tweets.
April 2021: Lizzo shares on TikTok that she drunkenly slid into Chris Evans' DMs, using emojis to represent shooting her shot. I can both respect and relate to her move from "I put the sing in single, ain't worried 'bout a ring on my finger" to "Chris Evans, please contact me immediately."
She shared her immediate regret about it... until he not only followed her but RESPONDED.
August 2021: Lizzo jokes on TikTok that she's pregnant with Captain America's baby. HE RESPONDS AGAIN: "Hi! Just heard about our little bundle of joy. My mother will be so happy lol" followed by "Just promise me no gender reveal parties lol." A supportive man with the common sense not to set off fireworks in an enclosed space? Lock it down, Lizzo. (Side note: I love how Chris Evans so often uses "lol" to let her know he's cool with playing along. Meanwhile, I use "lol" when I'm 100 percent serious but trying to be chill.)
Since she has secured both the bag and Captain America's shield as a family heirloom, Lizzo would obviously need someone else to spend her time with while Chris Evans is busy on set or dry-cleaning his Knives Out sweaters.
So, since August notoriously slips away into a moment in time (I'm paraphrasing Taylor Swift lyrics for those of you not in the vicinity to hear me playing it at full volume every day), Lizzo is clearly making the most of this elusive summer month. This week, she decided to be charitable and made a guest appearance on "Jimmy Kimmel Live", where she got to chat with guest host/charming person, Niall Horan.
But first, let me bring you up to speed:
November 2019: During an interview with BBC Radio 1 (clearly a common facilitator in Lizzo's social life), she shares the story of her first run-in with Niall. He replies something along the lines of Thanos can snap his fingers all he wants, I'm not going anywhere.
To which she so casually responds:
December 2019: During an appearance on "The Tonight Show," Niall recalls this moment (aka Lizzo's impact) during his interview with Jimmy Fallon. Ok, now back to the present. August 2021: A smitten Niall tells Lizzo that his fans have been pushing for the two of them to date since that fated first meeting, so he invites her to play a game of compatibility. Somewhere, Zooey Deschanel's agent is angrily typing an email to Kimmel's producers for stealing the plot of her Celebrity Dating Game reboot that no one is watching.
In my opinion, the highlight of the game is when Niall asks if she would make him sign a pre-nup and Lizzo simply responds, "I want some of that One Direction money." Considering I spent all of my teenage money on One Direction, I would also like to see some of it back in my pocket.
Anyway! Niall ends the segment by inviting her on a date to Dave & Buster's and calling her a queen (which seems like an oxymoron, but it's Niall so we'll allow it), AND the friendly flirting continued back onto Twitter:
Niall not only shared her sentiment, but praised her to his fans. Clearly there is a battle of the One Direction members brewing for her attention, but I think Lizzo will be just fine at multi-tasking.
And that brings you all up to speed! Now that Lizzo has an Avenger and half of of One Direction on speed-dial, I can only guess as to who will join her collection of infinity stone boyfriends next* (though, if we're being honest - at her level, they're more like Bvlgari diamonds.)
*My money is on Dylan O'Brien, but let me know your thoughts in the comments!
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