Kanye West released his highly-anticipated (not by me) album "DONDA" over the weekend, much to the excitement of every guy I went to college with. Over the past few weeks, Kanye, aka the The Phantom of the Mercedes Benz Stadium, has been putting on listening parties for fans, collaborators, and the Kardashian Krew. *Stefan from SNL voice* These parties have everything: Kanye levitating above the crowd... Spandex masks covering his entire face... $40 hot dogs... Despite all of this, the final listening party before the album dropped was the one that really caught my attention: cut to Kim Kardashian, in a full-length Balenciaga wedding gown, appearing to re-marry the man she is currently divorcing. In my opinion, Kim looks like a ghost haunting an old Victorian manor, but it's haute couture so I'll turn a blind eye to it. Over the last few months, there's been constant speculation around Kimye: Will they get back together? Are they done for good? What kind of guy would even be on Kim's level? Does Irina Shayk regret taking that trip to France and getting sucked into another Lady Gaga/Bradley Cooper incident? I, personally, believe that Kim and Kanye aren't getting back together, but that they simply understand the importance of branding. Kimye is a brand, and if Kris Jenner has taught Kim anything in her life, it's that there is simply no excuse for missing a check. Together or not, Kim is always going to be the leading lady in Kanye's life, even if it is less of a rom-com and more of an anxiety-inducing Safdie Brothers film. I also believe that Kim has no problem throwing on designer clothing and standing next to Kanye - not only to remind all women that she is his ride-or-die, but also to remind the world that she has worked her way from the cover of K-9 Magazine to the cover of Vogue and she will not be denied. And, with sources (again, Mama Kris) confirming to multiple outlets like E!, TMZ and People that Kim and Kanye are just good friends/co-parents/billionaires, we can all rest assured that the former It-Couple are simply enjoying the free press that comes with breaking the Internet. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go listen to the "All of the Lights" and confirm that I do, in fact, miss the old Kanye.
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Lizzo Is Collecting Hollywood Boyfriends Like Infinity Stones And We Should All Take Notes8/26/2021
To quote Lizzo's new bop - ALL THE RUMORS ARE TRUE. Well, not really, but I consider my gossip to be fact, so.
Anyone who's been paying attention to Lizzo knows that she has a magnetic personality, and it's clear that the men of Hollywood are not immune to her charms.
She is seemingly (and effortlessly) curating an entourage of Hollywood boyfriends as she glides her way to the top of the music industry by releasing hit-after-hit and just being naturally hilarious, like the time she confidently cursed on live television at the Grammys.
Now, while I don't know much about the Marvel Cinematic Universe (I only watch the films with hot actors for leads*), I have been peer-pressured into watching the Avengers in theaters in order to participate in public discourse that I don't even care about, so, yes, I know what the infinity stones are. And, while they may make up the superhero universe, the Hollywood men gravitating toward Lizzo make up an even more important universe: pop culture.
*Spider-Man and Captain America
So, without further ado, I present the timeline of Lizzo becoming the modern-day feminist adaptation of Hollywood's Most Eligible Bachelor(ette)* and collecting celebrity men like infinity stones, as she should:
*Sorry, Leo. You had your time. This history lesson (yes, I am taking this seriously, get on board) begins with an obvious choice: Harry Styles.
December 2019: Harry covers Lizzo's hit song "Juice" for BBC Radio 1's Live Lounge, setting the Internet ablaze by enthusiastically uttering the words, "Somebody come get this man, I think he got lost in my DMs."
January 2020: In a natural turn of events, Lizzo invites Harry onstage in Miami to perform the song together. They're dressed for different climates, but their voices are in perfect harmony. February 2020: To return the compliment, Lizzo covers Harry's hit song "Adore You" for BBC Radio 1's Live Lounge. Later that month: Lizzo and Harry pack on the PDA at the Brit Awards. Although it was all done in good fun, Lizzo is simply stronger than me for being able to chug her tequila and move on with her night after the fact. March 2021: One year later, Lizzo and Harry reunite at the Grammy Awards to rock pastel outfits, take this cute photo together, and cement their icon statuses. Now, as we all know, Lizzo is certified 100 percent that b*tch, so naturally Harry Styles is not the only man we'll be discussing today. Yes, I am treating this like I am a tenured professor at Columbia University, is there a problem? Obviously, while Harry is busy on tour or on yachts with Olivia Wilde, Lizzo would need someone to occupy her time, yes? This is where Chris Evans comes in. June 2019: One day while on social media, Lizzo was simply minding her business when Captain America himself responded to one of her tweets.
April 2021: Lizzo shares on TikTok that she drunkenly slid into Chris Evans' DMs, using emojis to represent shooting her shot. I can both respect and relate to her move from "I put the sing in single, ain't worried 'bout a ring on my finger" to "Chris Evans, please contact me immediately."
She shared her immediate regret about it... until he not only followed her but RESPONDED.
August 2021: Lizzo jokes on TikTok that she's pregnant with Captain America's baby. HE RESPONDS AGAIN: "Hi! Just heard about our little bundle of joy. My mother will be so happy lol" followed by "Just promise me no gender reveal parties lol." A supportive man with the common sense not to set off fireworks in an enclosed space? Lock it down, Lizzo. (Side note: I love how Chris Evans so often uses "lol" to let her know he's cool with playing along. Meanwhile, I use "lol" when I'm 100 percent serious but trying to be chill.)
Since she has secured both the bag and Captain America's shield as a family heirloom, Lizzo would obviously need someone else to spend her time with while Chris Evans is busy on set or dry-cleaning his Knives Out sweaters.
So, since August notoriously slips away into a moment in time (I'm paraphrasing Taylor Swift lyrics for those of you not in the vicinity to hear me playing it at full volume every day), Lizzo is clearly making the most of this elusive summer month. This week, she decided to be charitable and made a guest appearance on "Jimmy Kimmel Live", where she got to chat with guest host/charming person, Niall Horan.
But first, let me bring you up to speed:
November 2019: During an interview with BBC Radio 1 (clearly a common facilitator in Lizzo's social life), she shares the story of her first run-in with Niall. He replies something along the lines of Thanos can snap his fingers all he wants, I'm not going anywhere.
To which she so casually responds:
December 2019: During an appearance on "The Tonight Show," Niall recalls this moment (aka Lizzo's impact) during his interview with Jimmy Fallon. Ok, now back to the present. August 2021: A smitten Niall tells Lizzo that his fans have been pushing for the two of them to date since that fated first meeting, so he invites her to play a game of compatibility. Somewhere, Zooey Deschanel's agent is angrily typing an email to Kimmel's producers for stealing the plot of her Celebrity Dating Game reboot that no one is watching.
In my opinion, the highlight of the game is when Niall asks if she would make him sign a pre-nup and Lizzo simply responds, "I want some of that One Direction money." Considering I spent all of my teenage money on One Direction, I would also like to see some of it back in my pocket.
Anyway! Niall ends the segment by inviting her on a date to Dave & Buster's and calling her a queen (which seems like an oxymoron, but it's Niall so we'll allow it), AND the friendly flirting continued back onto Twitter:
Niall not only shared her sentiment, but praised her to his fans. Clearly there is a battle of the One Direction members brewing for her attention, but I think Lizzo will be just fine at multi-tasking.
And that brings you all up to speed! Now that Lizzo has an Avenger and half of of One Direction on speed-dial, I can only guess as to who will join her collection of infinity stone boyfriends next* (though, if we're being honest - at her level, they're more like Bvlgari diamonds.)
*My money is on Dylan O'Brien, but let me know your thoughts in the comments! First of all, I want to say - welcome back. Second of all, you probably know I haven't written on this blog in quite some time; over a year, to be exact. This is because, well, I don't know if you've noticed, but the world has been going through some collective sh*t. As the world starts to open back up, I've been thinking a lot about this blog and how enjoyable it was to write about the fun things I'm passionate about - and, how much I enjoyed hearing feedback and connecting with the people (like you!) who are kind enough to read my work. With that being said, I'd like to offer a glimpse into my life over the last year through the lens of my favorite pop culture moments during - and, I don't know if anyone has used this descriptor yet - such unprecedented times. SUMMER 2020 Taylor Swift turned her life into folklore (see what I did there) and I'm still listening to this album on repeat. My top three songs, you ask? Well, since I have taste: "mirrorball", "august" and "this is me trying" (if only for their bridges that are stronger than most infrastructures I've seen.) July 23rd was the ten year anniversary of One Direction being put together as a band, and if you saw me getting emotional on that day, no you didn't. I was reminded that they've officially been solo artists longer than they were even in the band, so my senior discounts should be activated any day now. Like many other people my age, I was under attack the moment I started watching Normal People. It was adapted from the novel written by Sally Rooney, if only to bring me on a rollercoaster of emotions and to bring Paul Mescal and his gold chain the honored title of "The Internet's Boyfriend." FALL 2020 This is Harry Styles' world and we're simply living in it. When he graced the cover of Vogue (the first solo man to do it, thank you very much!) in a dress, he sparked a debate over whether or not "men are still manly" - to which he posted the photo with the caption "Bring back manly men." And, to that I say, we have no choice but to continue to stan. In movie news, Christopher Nolan's Tenet debuted to mixed reviews, but Robert Pattinson looked super hot the entire time so I didn't understand what the problem was. Some people just don't know how to appreciate art*, I guess. *Robert Pattinson's blond highlights. In music news, I accidentally listened to "Positions" by Ariana Grande on repeat too many times and made it my most-listened to song of the year on Spotify. WINTER 2020-21 It turns out folklore had a sister, and her name is evermore. This album is also still on repeat, and I'm not-so-patiently waiting for the second installment of the "long pond sessions" (a behind-the-scenes acoustic album she did for folklore) that I fear will never come. Until then, I'll continue to hype up the holy trinity of "champagne problems", "ivy" and "cowboy like me." You should've expected to see Harry Styles on this list more than once, and if you didn't then that's unfortunately on you. He dropped the black-and-white music video for his song "Treat People With Kindness" at the start of the new year, and seeing him as a modern-day Fred Astaire sweeping Phoebe Waller-Bridge of Fleabag fame off her feet isn't something I knew I needed to see, and yet... "Driver's License" by Olivia Rodrigo also dropped at the start of the new year, setting off her quick (and deserved) rise to fame. This is the type of song I know would've ruined my life in high school. SPRING 2021 The interview that shook the world. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle officially left the royal family and took to the nicest backyard I've ever seen to air out their family laundry with America's Queen, Oprah. The amount of tea spilled during this interview was enough to give Britain flashbacks to the Revolutionary War, and I'm so happy for Harry and Meghan that they are free to live their own lives. I also look forward to Prince Harry inevitably hosting Saturday Night Live next season. One for all and all for Bennifer. This iconic couple reunited after J.Lo realized she could do better than A-Rod and peaced out of there, leaving him with all the free time in the world to continue sliding into the DMs of Bravo stars. Even though I was a toddler the first time around, I am so here for this couple and encourage them to continue giving us all the PDA and paparazzi shots. Celebrity is theater, and they are the only Hollywood It Couple currently delivering on that note. Taylor Swift kicked off her upcoming re-records with Fearless (Taylor's Version) and instantly brought me back to 2008 with songs like "Love Story" and "You Belong With Me." She also included six new songs from her vault of unreleased music ("Don't You" is my favorite), and they're all bops in their own right that I can't imagine how none of them ended up on the original cut of the album. KARDASHIAN KORNER At this point, I'm a certified Kardashian expert, so you can imagine my surprise when they announced that their current season would be their last without so much as a phone call. I guess I always just thought they'd be on my TV forever, but at least I have their re-runs to watch while I online shop. Unfortunately, I'm like a goldfish and I can't remember a single piece of celebrity gossip that happened last year - BUT, I do know that this year has been all about new "it couple" Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker. In my opinion, they are the A-list version of Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly, so may the best pretty-woman-and-tattooed-tall-man couple win. And, of course, this... oh, Kimye. The end of an era. Pouring one out for her nude wardrobe and mausoleum-style home that I'm sure she now has no idea what to do with. SUMMER 2021 Well! Now you're all caught up on me, and I'm so excited to get this blog back up and running again. And, it's just in time to close out the summer and prepare for Sad Girl Autumn, thanks in large part to Taylor Swift's "RED" re-record announcement: Stay tuned for more from me, and feel free to let me know of anything you'd like me to write about! (Within reason, I am not a court jester.) |